


How Great Thou Farts

by Yeeto_Cheeto



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Next Generation
Genre: Crack, Data & Geordi LaForge Friendship, Data is curious about humans, Data learns to fart, Farting, Gen, Geordi can see the farts of his crewmates, Humor, M/M, This Is STUPID, hopefully funny, this entire fic is just one big fart joke i'm so sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:00:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27073864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yeeto_Cheeto/pseuds/Yeeto_Cheeto
Summary: *Geordi La Forge is annoyed by his ability to see the farts of his shipmates. Meanwhile, Data is trying to learn to fart in order to become more human.*When a farting plague threatens the whole ship, Data is the only one who can save the day.
Relationships: Crew of the Starship Enterprise & Data, Crew of the Starship Enterprise & Geordi, Data & Geordi La Forge, Data/Geordi La Forge
Comments: 5
Kudos: 17





	1. Gaseous Emanations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for what you're about to read. It gets better. Hopefully.

Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge was born blind, but he didn't let that stop him from joining Starfleet. His special visor allowed him to see thermal energy, and it was one of the many factors which contributed to his success in engineering. Overall, this was great, but there were a few drawbacks. The major drawback was chronic headaches. The lesser known drawback was that he was able to see everyone's... bodily gasses.

Geordi and Data were best friends for many reasons. One of the lesser known reasons was because Data was one of the few people aboard the Enterprise who never seemed to fart.

On the particular day our story takes place, Data was working on the bridge. A course had been set for a distant galaxy and The Enterprise was traveling smoothly. Everything was peaceful and quiet. At least, everything WAS peaceful and quiet until a deep, thundering noise decided to disrupt the peace.

"PLOOOOORT!" A noise erupted from the center of the room, echoing against the walls. Everyone in the room glared at each other accusingly. Nobody said a word, but the silence was deafening. A couple of people stifled laughter. Everyone knew what had just happened. Somebody had farted.

Later that day, Geordi and Data were at a two-chaired table eating lunch. Well, Geordi was eating lunch, and Data was sitting across from him, staring off into space and contemplating what had happened earlier on the bridge. Suddenly, Geordi spoke up.

"So, Data," Geordi began, snapping Data out of his pensive state. "What's on your mind?"

"Oh," Data replied. "I was just contemplating a few events that took place earlier."

"What sort of events?"

"Well, I was attending to my duties on the bridge earlier. Everything was peaceful and quiet for exactly five minutes and thirty-seven seconds until a strange noise erupted from the center of the room. It caused everyone to become uneasy."

"What sort of noise?" Geordi asked, taking a bite of his salad.

"It sounded something like... this." Data attempted to make a fart noise with his mouth. He failed at first, but succeeded after a few tries. The only problem was the noise was so convincing and so loud that everyone in the mess hall turned around and looked at Data and Geordi. Geordi groaned quietly and buried his face in his hands.

Data looked at Geordi with a confused expression on his face. "Why is everyone looking at us? Did I do something wrong?"

"Data," Geordi sighed, taking his hands off of his face. "The noise that you heard earlier on the bridge is called a fart. It's something humans, and a few other species, do."

"Oh," Data replied. "Why is a 'fart' such a big deal?"

"Well," Geordi began. "Farting is usually considered to be impolite, at least according to most humans. I'm not sure why, come to think of it. It's natural. Most people do it."

Data stared at Geordi for a few seconds processing this new information. Finally, he spoke.

"Geordi, can you teach me how to fart?"

Geordi sighed. He had feared that this might happen.

"Not you, too..." Geordi whispered.

"What do you mean?" Data asked.

"Well," Geordi began, taking a deep breath. "Y'know how I wear this visor, and it gives me the ability to see thermal energy?"  
Data nodded.

"I can see people's... gaseous emanations." Data still looked confused. "I can see farts. And believe me- those engineers I work with fart a LOT. It gets tiring watching my coworkers flatulate all day. That's one of the reasons you're so refreshing to hang out with- you never seem to fart."

Suddenly, the duty whistle blew, interrupting their deep discussion.

"See ya later, Data!" Geordi said as he left the mess hall.

As Data made his way back to his station, he thought about his previous conversation. He didn't want to disappoint or annoy Geordi, but his desire to fart was growing larger by the second. Since Geordi wouldn't teach him (or be his toot tutor), he supposed he'd have to teach himself.


	2. Flatulence Failure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Data declares himself a flatulence failure, but is more determined than ever to master the secret technique of human farting.

Later that evening, Data was sitting in his station on the bridge working the controls. He decided that this was the perfect time to practice his skills of flatulation.

Data tried to fart with all his might, but nothing happened. He wasn't going to give up that easily, though. No, he was one persistent android.

Data attempted to flatulate once more. This time, something finally happened. It wasn't the noise he was expecting, however.

"WEEEOOOEEE!" The familiar sound of the duty whistle emerged from Data's behind. Data looked around the room in surprise as people began to leave because they thought their shifts were over. He had NOT meant to do that.

"No, come back!" Data said. But it was too late. Everyone had already left.

"I appear to be a flatulence failure," Data said to himself as he left the room. 

That night, Data decided that enough was enough. He was going to take matters into his own hands. Literally. Instead of running his dream program, he decided to create and download a new program which would allow him to fart. It ended up taking five hours, but it was worth it. He couldn’t wait to try farting at work the next day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've made it this far without developing the urge to wack me in the head with a chair, you're a true champ.


	3. Interplanetary Gas

The next morning, at 1800 hours, Geordi and Data were in Ten Forward eating breakfast together. This was something they had been doing for the past few weeks because they enjoyed each other’s company.

“Geordi, I believe I am no longer a flatulence failure,” Data said suddenly.

“Uh, what do you mean, Data?”

“Last night, instead of running my dream program, I developed and installed a new program: a program which will allow me to perform the act of flatulation. I can control the volume, odor, velocity, and impact of each fart the program produces. Would you like me to give a demonstration?”

“No!” Geordi almost shouted. He cleared his throat. “I mean- no, thank you, Data. Please just- don’t.” He sighed and shook his head in exasperation. 

“Have I done something to offend you?” Data asked, a concerned look on his face. “I had assumed that, because you said that farting was natural, and should not be considered impolite, you would not take issue with my endeavors.”

Geordi sighed again and looked up at Data. “Look,” Geordi said. “I’m sorry. I just don’t want people to look at you funny. Data, you need to understand that if you walk around farting all the time, you’ll end up being the butt of a lot of jokes. No pun intended. If you want to fart in your free time, fine. Fart your socks off. But please, for your own sake, do it behind closed doors.”


End file.
